These are the best Robin Williams jokes you will ever find. If you think you found any as funny, submit them at the bottom of this page.
1. The Second Amendment: It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!
2. We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
3. I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21. I was so bad, she gave me a refund.
4. You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) ‘It’s the same sex all the time.’
5. If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
6. God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
7. Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.
8. Ahhh Yes, divorce from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
9. Politics: Poli, a Latin word meaning many; and tics meaning, bloodsucking creatures.
10. Why do they call it Rush Hour when nothing moves?
11. Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.
12. “I will be there as soon as I can! You have to give me a more specific location, you are a big country. You are the kindest country in the world. You are like a really nice apartment over a meth lab." — Reddit AMA response to a fan asking if he’d come to Canada to hug them.
13. “They said that marijuana was a ‘performance-enhancing drug.’ Marijuana enhances many things — colors, tastes, sensations, but you are certainly not f?-?- king empowered. When you’re stoned, you’re lucky if you can find your own goddamn feet. The only way it’s a performance-enhancing drug is if there’s a big f?-?- king Hershey bar at the end of the run."
14. Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: ‘You’ve just killed a small animal. It’s time for a light beer.’ Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, ‘It’s 5 o’clock in the morning. You’ve just pissed on a dumpster. It’s Miller time.’
15. On the American economy:
“And you can’t blame the economy on [George W. Bush]. They say the economy is essentially sound because people are considering buying things. That’s like saying fat people are healthy because they might exercise."
16. “Inside of you, there’s a fashion model just waiting to throw up." — As Fender in “Robots" (2005)
17. “Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently — and for the same reasons." — as Tim Dobbs in “Man of the Year" (2006)
18. "Some people say Jesus wasn’t Jewish. Of course he was Jewish! Thirty years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father’s business, his mom thought he was God’s gift — he’s Jewish! Give it up!"
19. On the end of the George Bush presidency:
“It’s the end of the reign of George the Second. The reign of error is over. America is officially out of rehab."
20. I wonder what chairs think about all day. ‘Oh, here comes another a–hole.’
21. I walked into my son’s room the other day, and he’s got four screens going at the same time. He’s watching a movie on one screen, playing a game on another, downloading something on this one, texting on that one, people say “He’s got ADD.” Fuck that, he’s multitasking.
22. And the French! The French have a bomb too! Maybe they have the Michelin Bomb- ah! Only destroys restaurants under four stars! They are the one of the only people that still test their bombs! Where do they do it? In the Sahara, in the total wasteland? No, fuck off! In Tahiti! In paradise. Why? Because we’re French. Oh, look, a Greenpeace boat coming to protest- fuck off, I sink you.
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