It’s Saint Patrick’s Day and an armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber’s face.
The Robber Shoots the Guy Without Hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
Did anyone else see my face?’ screams the robber.
There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, ‘I think me wife may have caught a glimpse.’
Why did God invent whiskey? So the Irish would never rule the world.
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4. Spanish Vs. Irish
A Spanish singer chatting on television used the word ‘manana’. When asked what that meant, he said it means “maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that, next week, next month or next year. Who cares?"
An Irishman in the conversation, Shay Brennan, was then asked if there’s an Irish equivalent. “No. In Ireland we don’t have a word to describe that level of urgency."
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, ‘Johnson, the pole vault, ‘and was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, ‘McTavish, the hammer.’ He was also admitted.Will and Guy’s fencing story
The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, ‘O’ Sullivan, fencing.’ Check out some of the best Scottish Jokes ever said
6. Irish Priest
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest. The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
7. Difference Between A Smart Irish Man And A Unicorn
Whats the difference between a smart Irish man and a unicorn? A: Nothing, they’re both fictional characters
8. Ventriloquist In Irish Pub
A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in Davy Byrne’s pub in Grafton Street, Dublin, when, O’Leary, an irate Irishman stands up shouting, ‘You’re making out we’re all dumb and stupid! I oughtta punch you in the nose!’
‘I’m sorry sir, I………..’ ‘Not you!’ says O’Leary, ‘I’m talking to that little fella on your knee.’
9. Irish Vs. Cops
Gallagher is in Boston and he is waiting patiently, also, he is watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stops the flow of traffic and shouts, ‘Okay pedestrians’. Then he allows the traffic to pass.
He did this several times, and Gallagher is still standing on the sidewalk. After the cop has shouted ‘Pedestrians’ for the tenth time, Gallagher approaches him and says, ‘Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?’ Check out more Really Funny Cop Jokes
11. Two Poor Irishmen In A Bar
Sausage Paddy and Sean are planning to go out on a Saturday night, but only have 50 cents between them. Paddy has an idea, he takes the 50 cents of Sean, goes to a butchers and buys a sausage.
Sean is really pissed off at first that Paddy spent their last money on a sausage, but Paddy lets him in on his plan. “We are going into the next pub, order two pints, drink them and when it comes to paying you go down on your knees, unzip my trousers, pull the sausage out and start sucking on it”
So, they go into the first pub and do exactly as Paddy suggested. The barmaid is disgusted by the sight and kicks the two out. Paddy says: “see it works, we didn’t pay did we?”
As Paddy’s plan seems to be working they carry on doing it… In the 12th pub, both are quite drunk by now, Sean isn’t looking to good. They have just finished their pints… Sean: “I can’t do this anymore Paddy my bloody knees are hurting as fuck…!” Paddy: “No worries…I lost that bloody sausage in the third pub!”
Two Irish mothers, Kate and Lorna were talking about their sons.
Kate says, ‘My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn’t smoke, and he hasn’t so much as looked at a woman in over two years.’
Lorna responds, ‘Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn’t he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn’t touched a drop of liquor in all that time.’
‘My word,’ says Kate, ‘You must be so proud.’
‘I am,’ announces Lorna, ‘And when he’s paroled next month, I’m going to throw him a big party.’
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