What did the calculator say to the math student? You can count on me.
2 Little Johnny And His Math Homework
Little Johnny was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine.”
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?”
The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework.”
“And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked.
“Yes,” he answered.
Infuriated, the mother called Little Johnny’s teacher the next day and said, “What are you teaching my son in class?”
The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.”
The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?”
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which is four.”
3 Algebra Textbook
What did one algebra textbook say to the other? Don’t bother me. I’ve got my own problems.
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4 Four Friends Taking Algebra Exam
Four friends have been doing really well in their algebra class: they have been getting top grades for their homework and on the midterm.
So, when it’s time for the final, they decide not to study on the weekend before, but to drive to another friend’s birthday party in another city – even though the exam is scheduled for Monday morning.
As it happens, they drink too much at the party, and on Monday morning, they are all hung over and oversleep. When they finally arrive on campus, the exam is already over.
They go to the professor’s office and offer him an explanation: “We went to our friend’s birthday party, and when we were driving back home very early on Monday morning, we suddenly had a flat tire. We had no spare one, and since we were driving on back roads, it took hours until we got help.”
The professor nods sympathetically and says: “I see that it was not your fault. I will allow you to make up for the missed exam tomorrow morning.”
When they arrive early on Tuesday morning, the students are put by the professor in a large lecture hall and are seated so far apart from each other that, even if they tried, they had no chance to cheat. The exam booklets are already in place, and confidently, the students start writing.
The first question – five points out of one hundred – is a simple exercise in algebra, and all four finish it within ten minutes. When the first of them has completed the problem, he turns over the page of the exam booklet and reads on the next one: Problem 2 (95 points out of 100): Which tire went flat?
5 Joke About Math And Little Johnny’s Father
“If you had a dollar,” quizzed the teacher, “and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?”
“One dollar.” answered Little Johnny.
“You don’t know your basic math.” said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too and said, “You don’t know my daddy.”
6 One Girlfriend And Three Unknowns
“What happened to your girlfriend, that really cute math student?”
“She no longer is my girlfriend. I caught her cheating on me.”
“I don’t believe that she cheated on you!”
“Well, a couple of nights ago I called her on the phone, and she told me that she was in bed wrestling with three unknowns.”
7 Mathematician About His Wife
A physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist are discussing whether it is better to have a wife or a girlfriend.
The physicist says: “A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment.”
The mathematician says: “A wife. You have security.”
The computer scientist says: “Both. When I’m not with my wife, she thinks I’m with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it’s vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyone disturbing me.”
8 Learning Math In A Catholic School
A father who is very much concerned about his son’s bad grades in math decides to register him at a Catholic school.
After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: he’s getting “A”s in math.
The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: “Why are your math grades suddenly so good?”
“You know”, the son explains, “when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: This place means business!”
9 Joke About Wife Who Was Obsessed With Mathematics
A newlywed husband is discouraged by his wife’s obsession with mathematics.
Afraid of being second fiddle to her profession, he finally confronts her: “Do you love math more than me?”
“Of course not, dear – I love you much more!”
Happy, although skeptical, he challenges her: “Well, then prove it!”
Pondering a bit, she responds: “OK, let epsilon be greater than zero…”
10 Mathematician Applying For The Same Job As Accountant
There are three people applying for the same job. One is a mathematician, one is a statistician, and one is an accountant.
The interviewing committee first calls in the mathematician. They say: “We have only one question. What is 500 plus 500?” The mathematician, without hesitation says “1000.” The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician.
When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers: “1000… I’m 95% confident.” He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way.
When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: “What is 500 plus 500?” The accountant replies: “What would you like it to be?”
11 Middle School Math Joke
What do you get if you add two apples and three apples? A middle school math problem.
12 Sheepdog Who Could Count
A talking sheepdog gets all the sheep into the pen for his farmer.
He comes back and says: “Okay chief, all 40 sheep accounted for."
The farmer says: “But I’ve counted them and I’ve only got 36."
The sheepdog replies: “I know, but I rounded them up.”
13 Two Statisticians Go Hunting
Two statisticians go bird hunting.
The first one fires at the bird but overshoots by 5 feet. The second one fires and undershoots the bird by 5 feet.
They both give each other a high-five and say “Got it!”
14 Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9
15 Which snakes are good at math? Adders.
16 What is a proof? One-half percent of alcohol.
17 Why did the circle do a flip? To get in shape.
18 Which king invented fractions? Henry the eighth.
19 What did Al Gore play on his guitar? An algorithm.
20 What is a mathematician’s favorite season? Sum-mer.
21 What is a bird’s favorite type of maths? Owl-gebra.
22 What does the zero say to the the eight? Nice belt.
23 What kind of meals do math teachers eat? Square meals.
24 Why did the two 4’s skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
25 How do you make seven an even number? Take the s out.
26 What kind of tree could a math teacher climb? Geometry.
27 What is normed, complete, and yellow? A Bananach space.
28 Where do math teachers go on vacation? To Times Square.
29 What is the best way to find a math tutor? Place an add!
30 How does a mathematician plow fields? With a pro-tractor.
31 What did the mathematician’s parrot say? A poly “no meal”.
32 What is non-orientable and lives in the ocean? Mobius Dick.
33 What did 2 say to 4 after 2 beat him in a race? 2 Fast 4 U.
34 What did one decimal say to the other? Did you get my point?
35 How many molecules in a bowl of guacamole? Avocado’s Number.
Continue reading these short math jokes
36 Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? It’s two gross.
37 What happened to the plant in math class? It grew square roots.
38 How do you call the largest accumulation point of poles? Warsaw.
39 Have you heard about the mathematical plant? It has square roots.
40 What do you call a number that can’t keep still? A roamin’ numeral.
41 Why is the obtuse triangle always upset? Because it is never right.
42 How many monsters are good at math? None, unless you Count Dracula.
43 How does a ghost solve quadratic equations? By completing the scare.
44 Old mathematicians never die. They just lose some of their functions.
45 Why can’t the number 4 get into the nightclub? Because he is 2 square.
46 How does a math professor propose to his fiancee? With a polynomial ring.
47 Why wasn’t the geometry teacher at school? Because she sprained her angle.
48 Why did the mutually exclusive events break up? They had nothing in common.
49 Why do they never serve beer at a math party? Because you can’t drink and derive.
50 Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
51 Why didn’t the quarter roll down the hill with the nickel? Because it had more cents.
52 How is an artificial Christmas tree like the fourth root of -68? Neither has real roots.
53 How do you keep warm in a square room? You go into the corner, where it is always 90 degrees.
54 What is the definition of a polar bear? A rectangular bear after a coordinate transformation.
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55 Why did the student do her math homework on the floor? The teacher told her not to use tables.
56 I hired an odd-job man to do 8 jobs for me. When I got back, he’d only done jobs 1, 3, 5, and 7.
57 I saw my math teacher with a piece of graph paper yesterday. I think he must be plotting something.
58 I saw Pi fighting with the square root of two the other day. I told them to stop being so irrational.
59 How does mathematician induce good behavior in his children? He says: `I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times…’
60 Today I saw the number 6 playing with the square root of -1. I thought to myself: “How cute – he has an imaginary friend."
61 I went into math class today and said to my teacher: “To show you how well I understand fractions, I’ve only done half of my homework.
62 Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.
63 What do mathematicians eat on Halloween? Pumpkin Pi.
64 Why couldn’t the Mobius strip enroll at the school? They required an orientation.
65 What did the mathematician say when he finished his Christmas dinner? Root -1 / root 64 (I over 8).
66 How do you know when you’ve reached your Math Professor’s voice-mail? The message is: “The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please, rotate your phone by 90 degrees and try again.”
67 What is the difference between a mathematician and a philosopher? The mathematician only needs paper, pencil, and a trash bin for his work. The philosopher can do without the trash bin.
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