1. A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.
“In English," he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right."
2. A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.
“Why?” asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit.
The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder. “I’m a panda,” he says at the door. “Look it up.”
The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation. “Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots, and leaves.”
3. Some people enjoy cooking their families and their dogs. The grammar joke is that the commas ran away, leaving people to eat their families and dogs.
4. What do you say when you are comforting a grammar Nazi? There, Their, They’re.
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