17 Funny Christmas Quotes

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These funny Christmas quotes will make you laugh. We did our best to bring you only the best ones. They are the best Christmas humor you will find on the Net or anywhere else.

1. ‘Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?’ – Tom Armstrong

2. ‘Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.’ – Victor Borg

3. “Out upon merry Christmas! What’s Christmas time to you but a time for paying bills without money; a time for finding yourself a year older, but not an hour richer…? If I could work my will,” said Scrooge indignantly, “every idiot who goes about with ‘Merry Christmas’ upon his lips should be boiled with his won pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. He should!” – Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

4. “Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution."— Jay Leno

5. “Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits."— Anonymous

6. “Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer… Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?” – Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

7. “Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self-assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is part of the cycle."— Eric Zorn

8. ‘I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.’ – Shirley Temple

9. ‘Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer.’ Catherine Tate

10. ‘Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?’ – Arlo Guthrie

11. ‘Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.’ Anonymous

12. ‘You know you’re getting old, when Santa starts looking younger.’ – Robert Paul

13. ‘I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.’ – Bernard Manning

14. “It goes Christmas, New Year’s Eve, and Valentine’s Day. Is that fair to anyone who’s alone? If you didn’t get around to killing yourself on Christmas or New Year’s, boom, there’s Valentine’s Day for you. There should be a holiday after Valentine’s Day called ‘Are you still here?’"— Laura Kightlinger

15. “My New Year’s resolution for 2010? I will be less laz."— Jim Gaffigan

16. “May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue, so that I triumph even when I fall!"— Aleister Crowley, “Moonchild"

17. “Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.” – Dave Berry

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