People who say they suffer from constipation are full of shit.
When William joined the army he disliked the phrase ‘fire at will’.
Owning a new pet fish
Pat: Hey, Chris! How’s your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.
Chris: To tell you the truth, I’m really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.
Pat: You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird? I can’t believe it!
Chris: Well, yeah. After all, he’s a parrot fish.
Pat: I hate to tell you this, Chris, but while you might be able to teach a parrot bird to sing, you’re never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.
Chris: That’s what you think! He can sing all right. The thing is, he keeps singing off-key. It’s driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?
Story of a conductor
He was a mediocre conductor of a mediocre orchestra. He had been having problems with the basses; they were the least professional of his musicians.
It was the last performance of the season, Beethoven’s 9th Symphony, which required extra effort from the basses at the end. Earlier that evening, he found the basses celebrating one of their birthdays by passing a bottle around.
As he was about to cue the basses, he knocked over his music stand. The sheet music scattered. As he stood in front of his orchestra, his worst fear was realized; it was the bottom of the 9th, no score and the basses were loaded.
The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice ?willing to work long, hard hours. ?He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer." The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he’s the new village blacksmith.
Man tells his doctor: “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!" The doctor replies: “Sorry, I don’t follow you."
This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare.
There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.
But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn’t get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl.
He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing: “I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone”
Never trust atoms, they make up everything.
Man goes to a dentist
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, “that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?”
The man replies, “all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious…Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything — meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything.”
“Well,” says the dentist, “that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.” “Why chrome?” asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, “It’s simple. Everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”
Why are frogs…
Q: Why are frogs so happy? A: They eat whatever bugs them.
An elephant and turtle
An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.
“What did you do that for?” Asked a passing giraffe.
“Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago.”
The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country’s leader. The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power. This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.
Once I found out masturbating was an addiction, I just knew that I had no choice but to beat it.
What do you call a line…
Q: What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A: a receding hare-line.
Biologist studies frogs
A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn’t stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs’ togetherness, which included one part sodium. It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.
Try joining the Mafia
This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia.
He goes up to one of the guys and says, ” I want to join the Mafia.”
The guy answers, ” You ever kill any one for money?”
Artie answers, “No.”
The guy says, ” Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta kill somebody for money.”
So Artie says, ” How much will you pay me?”
The guy says, ” I’m not gonna pay you.”
Artie says, ” C’mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in.”
The guy says, ” Okay, I’ll tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, I’ll pay you a dollar.”
Artie says, ” Oh thank you, thank you!” and heads off on his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that she’s lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to death.
The bag boy sees him, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he can’t out run the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death.
In the morning paper the headlines read, ” ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!”
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