Elderly Man: “Father, during the war I allowed a Jewish refugee to live in my attic.”
Priest: “I do not see anything wrong with that. You helped a poor soul survive the war.”
Elderly Man: “I collected rent from him for every month that he stayed.”
Priest: “That’s not a good thing you did, but it was for a good cause. You helped him survive.”
Elderly Man: “Should I tell him the war is over?”
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13 What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek? Marco Polo.
14 What is a snakes favorite subject in school? Hissssstory.
15 What was King Arthur’s favorite game? Knights and crosses.
16 What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
17 Who invented King Arthur’s round table? Sir Circumference.
18 Why did Columbus cross the ocean? To get to the other tide.
19 Joke About The History Of Russia
Two Russians are queueing up for bread in Red Square.
‘Fuck this’, says one, ‘I’m going to go and shoot Yeltsin’ and he storms off towards the Kremlin.
Fifteen minutes later he returns and silently re-joins the queue.
‘Well?’ asks his friend. ‘Did you shoot Yeltsin?’
‘No chance. The queue was twice as long as this one’.
20 What was Camelot? A place where people parked their camels!
21 Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons? He wanted to Mark Antony.
22 What does the Statue of Liberty stand for? It can’t sit down.
23 Why did Arthur have a round table? So no one could corner him.
24 Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom.
25 Conversation Between American And Russian Immigrant
On that note, here’s another Soviet one I’ve always liked.
A man from the Soviet Union obtains a permit to move to the USA, and his new neighbor asks how he much he likes his new apartment, so he asks him what his apartment was like back in Russia.
“Oh, my old apartment was perfect. I could not complain.”
So his neighbor then asks him what his job was like back home.
“Oh, my old job was perfect. I could not complain.”
So the neighbor asks him what the food was like back in the USSR.
“Oh, the food was perfect. I could not complain.”
Puzzled, the neighbor finally asks him, if everything was so great in the Soviet Union, why did he move?
The man says, “Here I can complain.”
26 Another Historical Argument Between Russians And Americans
An American man and a Soviet man are arguing over who has more freedom.
The American says, “I can walk up to The White House and yell ‘Reagan is a disgrace’, and nobody can do anything about it.”
The Soviet man says, “I can do the same thing! I can walk up to the Kremlin and yell “Reagan is a disgrace’, and nobody can do anything about it.”
27 What do history teachers talk about on dates? The good old days.
28 Why did Eve want to move to New York? She fell for the Big Apple.
29 What do you call a detective from the reformation? Martin Sleuther.
30 What do history teachers make when they want to get together? Dates!
31 Renoir, why did you become an Impressionist? I did it for the Monet.
32 Who was the biggest jokester in George Washington’s army? Laughayette.
33 George Carlin’s Jokes About History And Sanctity Of Life
But you know, the longer you listen to this abortion debate, the more you hear this phrase “sanctity of life.” You’ve heard that, “sanctity of life.” You believe in it? Personally, I think it’s a bunch of shit. Well, I mean, life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death. Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians, all taking turns killing each other because God told them it was a good idea. The sword of God, the blood of the lamb, vengeance is mine, millions of dead motherfuckers, all because they gave the wrong answer to the God question: “Do you believe in God?” “No.” Boom! Dead. “Do you believe in God?” “Yes…” “Do you believe in my God?” “No.” Boom! Dead. “My god has a bigger dick than your god!” George Carlin Quotes from his Comedy Back In Town
34 Lincoln is doing well in theaters. Historically, this has not been true.
35 What did Americans do because of the Stamp Act? They licked the British.
36 Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell? Yeah, it cracked me up too.
37 Who was the biggest thief in history? Atlas. He held up the whole world.
38 What kind of music did the world listen to during medieval times? B flat.
39 Who was the world’s first carpenter? Eve, because she made Adam’s banana stand
40 Do you know the 16th President of the United States ? No, we were never introduced.
41 Why didn’t Socrates like the French fries? Because they were made in ancient Greece.
42 This Is Where Aged Soviet Citizen Wants To Live According To History
An aged Soviet citizen goes into a government office to fill out relocation forms.
Where were you born? Saint Petersburg
Where did you go to college? Petrograd.
Where do you live now? Leningrad
Where do you want to live? Saint Petersburg
43 Why does history keep repeating itself? Because we weren’t listening the first time.
44 When were King Arthur’s army too tired to fight? When they had lots of sleepless knights.
45 Why did John change his last name to “Hancock”? Because it was better than John Foot Pe**s.
46 What do French recruits learn in basic training? How to surrender in 17 different languages.
47 Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring? Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
48 And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.” But John came fifth and won a toaster.
49 If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
50 What’s got six reverse gears and one forward gear? A French tank. The forward gear is in case they get attacked from behind.
51 Me: I Wish I had been born 1000 years ago. Friend: Why is that? Me: Just think of all the history that I wouldn’t have to learn!
52 If history is written by the victors, then why do I have to learn about the French? It is said that two wrongs don’t make a right. However, two Wrights did make an airplane and three rights make a left.
53 Why did the pioneers cross the country in covered wagons? Because they didn’t want to wait 40 years for a train.
54 Proud Roman Walks Into A Bar
A Roman walks into a bar and says “Martinus!”
“Don’t you mean Martini?” Says the bartender.
The Roman says “if I wanted a double I would have asked for it.”
55 Historical Joke About Custer’s Last Stand
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, “I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer’s mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week and when I return I expect to see it completed.” Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this, were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions. Furious, he called the artist in. “What the hell is this?” screamed the billionaire. “Why, that’s exactly what you asked for” said the artist smugly. “No, I didn’t ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer’s last thoughts.” “And there you have it.” said the artist. “I call it, ‘Holy cow, look at all those f**king Indians’
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