29 Best Joan Rivers Jokes
Check out these hilarious Joan Rivers Jokes. They are the best Internet has to offer. They cover all the best jokes she said during her six-decade career in comedy. They include all your favorite themes, such as Hollywood, sex jokes, and of course her famous self-deprecating jokes that made her favorite among the millions of other self-deprecating people. We are confident you will enjoy this awesome collection.
7 Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, “Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.”
8. When I was born, my mother asked the doctor, “Will she live?” He said, “Only if you take your foot off her throat.”
9. She’s so fat, she’s my two best friends.
10. It was a Jewish porno film: One minute of sex and nine minutes of guilt.
11. I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.
12. My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
13. Don’t talk to me about Valentine’s Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.
14. I’ve learned: When you get older, who cares? I don’t mince words, I don’t hold back. What are you gonna do to me? Fire me? It’s been done. Threaten to commit suicide? Done. Take away my show? Done! Not invite to me to the Vanity Fair party? I’ve never been invited! If I ever saw the invitation, I’d use it as toilet paper.
15. I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
16. I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley’s Believe It or Not and he sent it back and said, “I don’t believe it.”
17. People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
18. I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, “The man goes on top and the woman underneath.” For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
19. The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
20. I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
21. My vagina is like Newark. Men know it’s there, but they don’t want to visit.
22. Anyone that says looks don’t count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It’s the way humans work.
23. I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware.
24. I’ve learned what’s funny verbally ain’t so funny on e-mail: They don’t hear your intonations. Melissa broke up with somebody over that. She tried to tell him: ‘That was a joke!’ But he just didn’t get it. Mick Jagger said, ‘F––– ’em if they don’t get the joke.’ And I love him. That comes with age: Knowing it’s their problem, not mine.
25. I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, “Get off my property.”
26. She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals; she thought we just fought in World War Eleven.
27. I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
28. Grandchildren can be annoying — how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
29. My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.
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